Once in a Quarter

Prompt: What would you do if you loved yourself unconditionally?

I guess the number one thing would be to stop judging everything I do in such a negative light. I know my worst critic is myself and that is something I really shouldn’t do. I have battled with the feelings of self-loathing for as long as I can remember. It is getting better, and I win most of the battles but some days it is utterly overwhelming. The only real weapon I have on those days is to focus on getting through as tomorrow will be better. On these ultradian days I have nothing but contempt for my past self as it is one of the things nothing can change, and I am stuck with because of her. HRT and surgeries won’t take that bit away, nothing can. I must get a grip and ride the rollercoaster. It’s one of those facts, and every three months or so it’s going to kick my ass without warning or reason. Even on my good days I keep my mood as controlled as possible to avoid ultradian and I avoid the feels of life. I don’t want happiness, I need balance and routine, so I can function without fear. To love myself is difficult, I do, however, respect and value myself and that will do nicely.

©JG Farmer 2018

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