I am alone in my hospital room with only my thoughts for company. The bright sunshine outside does not bring light to the sheer weight of the darkness I see. Sure, my eyes see a couple of cats playing in the long grass where the gardens meet the car park. They see the road I came here on and wonder if it will ever take me home again.
This monster has got me and is holding on to me with a vice-like grip. It has already dragged me into another world once and it wants to take me there again. I don’t know what keeps me here as I have no energy to fight with, I am not even certain I want to fight as I have nothing left to fight for. Instead, so many tubes are pumping in and out of me, doing what my body can no longer do.
I am existing on machines; the one thing I said I never wanted to happen is happening. In the brief time, I have the ability I scribble in my journal, this stuff that I feel. The brief time I am awake between the tests and morphine numbing my mind and body to dullness beyond my reach.
Cannulas to take my blood, feed me insulin, morphine and antibiotics. Nurse Millie telling me she wants the cheeky smile she saw the day I arrived. How can I smile? Everything is gone, lost to fate and there is nothing I can do. I can’t even cry as there is no point. The future that once was is now only a matter of weeks if I get lucky. I am waiting to die. The monster is not letting go and I know it will win soon. I have seen the pain in the eyes of the boys, Andy, Nell and Lex, that hurts more than anything. And I wonder why keep me alive just to die. Is that not the most pointless thing of all?
My kids don’t deserve this, fuck, I promised them they would never go through this. I wanted my dignity and to go quietly without causing them the pain of watching me fade to nothing. Who the fuck took that decision from me? Why?
Update: I beat the ghastly monster, this write comes from the worst days of the fight, and I am sticking with it.