You Could Have Been So Beautiful

Form: Free Verse

The questioning eyes as red lips ask
‘are you sure?’
My certainty being questioned
for the first time
how frequent that question would become
‘just cut it’
and so it began
in drapes of dark chestnut hair
falling to the floor
and like curtains opening on a window
my soul became clear
I can’t explain it
but I am forced to find the words
again and again
describing the feelings
locked deep inside
the pain of concealment
like a dead weight in my heart
absorbing my energy
trying to survive the sickness
of dysphoria
while looking in the mirror
with the wrong reflection
the endless sensation of failing
just how can a son succeed as a daughter?
When did you decide you are a man?
I never did
I always was
just the body was wrong
like a badly cut pair of jeans
it didn’t fit in the right places
always the square peg
facing defeat at the hands
of the round hole
such is the war of dysphoria
I am the outsider
standing alone at the edge
of a binary world
on the side-lines of perfection
I am the story
the writer would delete
instead I can only edit
rephrasing and reshaping
bring the beginning to the end
without losing the plot
a victory of mind over body
and still they say
you could have been so beautiful, darling
could have been
now my turn to ask
what is so wrong with being handsome?

© JG Farmer 2019

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