Escaping the Fear

Prompt: What do you need to feel safe

One of the symptoms of my bipolar depressive episodes is panic attacks. These can be logical or totally illogical. Along side the panic attacks I get agoraphobia which leads to reclusiveness and I avoid going out because I just don’t feel safe and then panic. As someone who likes to feel in control of what is going on this is quite a problem.

Since January this year I have been in a depressive episode which I hope I am finally pulling out of. However I do make sure I feel safe if I venture out into the world. I have emergency procedures set in place so if a panic attack does kick off, I can get out of there quickly. Even when I am in a healthy state of mind I make sure I can see the way out and have an exit plan set in my head, it is the first thing I do when I go somewhere – quick glances around to see how I get out if I need to. I have never used one yet, but to feel secure if not safe I need to have that in place.

I have two emergency messages set on my phone as I know both individuals will get me to safety as fast as is possible. I have used that a few times when the familiar feelings of my throat drying up and nausea hit. They are early warning signs and if I am quick enough, I can be talked back out of the panic. If it goes too far and I feel unable to breathe, dizzy and disorientated then it is get me the fuck out of here.

©JG Farmer 2019

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