Bloody Dysphoria

Form: Free Verse

Those nights I longed for the pain
yearned for it
desired it
and loved it
as it quenched the flames
of raging self hate
that burned through my mind
my body
and soul
so the nails scratched over my skin
dragging the blood from my flesh
until
at last I heard myself scream
as I looked in the mirror
I welcomed the pain
like a lover welcomes a kiss
and I screamed again
as my fist smashed into the glass
I wanted to feel sane
I watched her shatter into shards on the floor
she is not me
yet still she stared at me
from a million places
and I craved the agony
that eased the morose soul of a man
until
at last I saw him look back at me

© JG Farmer 2019